The Top 15 Meanest Things You Could Say To Another Person On Purpose, Or Even Worse, Accidentally.

So, I have an evil side. What about it?

I don’t like admitting it, but fortunately, by the time you realize it’s true, there’s no point in admitting it because, theoretically, you’re experiencing it, you’re the guy at the other end of it, getting my evil.

I’m not sure but somehow that last bit sounded gross, didn’t it.

Anyway.

I’m human, and being human means coming with an evil side.  And it’s a lot easier, every now and again, to revel in that than to pretend otherwise.

I don’t try to understand it anymore than I try understanding why people spell words out in front of children or own rabbits as pets. Case in point, I tried spelling out something the other day in front of A.K., whose five, and smart boy that he is, was spelling along with me, unbeknownst to me. There’s just no clear line drawn as to when one should stop spelling in front of kids. So, why bother. Say it right on out loud, teach them early, get it over with.

I ended up having to get him a milkshake, as it was.

As for rabbits…well, I’m clueless. Why would anyone want a rabbit as a pet. I don’t know. It makes no sense to me.  They’re completely unemotional. They appear cuddly, but they don’t require cuddling. They don’t care; they have to be one of the most apathetic animals on the planet.

I’m not entirely sure they were even brought on the ark.

Could this stiff opinion of mine stem from being bitten by a rabbit as a child, one that had been given to me as an Easter present from an aunt that we often referred to as horse-faced? Maybe.

Or maybe I just don’t like rabbits, and never did.

It’s a question for the ages.

But, what I do know is that it’s time to give into my evil side, for a few minutes, and reveal the Top 15 Most Insulting, Meanest Things You Could Say To Another Person, On Purpose, Or Even Worse, Accidentally. I’ve been sitting on these for a couple of weeks now, tallying up the entries, suggestions, comments, and pulling all the answers into a list that I consider to be quite solid: there are some pretty mean (and evil) things said, here.

Some I’m pretty sure I’ve accidentally said myself; a few I’ve said on purpose, but only to the mirror in the privacy of my bathroom, pretending I had the guts to say them in real life. Do you ever do that? I still do. The bathroom has been a great refuge for me, over the years. A great stress relief.

But, more on that later…for now, it’s on to the list. I received a lot of great insults, I have to say.  Some were broad and some were very, very specific. I cringed a little at those; I hate to think any of you were ever on the receiving end of some of these zingers. In the end, I went with what I thought constituted a blanket-style of insult, and that meant culling it back from 25 to 15. But, hey, they were all good, and 15 is, I’d say, a lot easier to “keep in your back pocket.” Unless, we were talking about cash. Besides, if you’re going to hit somebody where it hurts, I figured, you might as well hit as many as you can in one fell swoop.

So, without further adieu, or ado, here is the Swoop, as it were.

1. I’m praying for you. – Donna B.
2. You are so unnecessary. – Nicole B.
3. When are you due?—Jennifer C.
4.  I hope you shit yourself, one day. – Nina A.
5. Oh, look! Better people. – Christian Z.
6. Damn, not you again. – Abigail V.
7. Why does your face look like that? – Marisol R.
8. Your father should have rolled over and shot you on the wall. – Anon.
9. You make me want to punch you. – Danielle B.
10.  When I look at you, I feel bad for your mother. – Anon.
11. I can’t think of anything I like less than you. –Ray M.
12. I definitely upgraded. –Simone C.
13. I’d throw acid on your face to knock you down a peg or two, but it looks like somebody beat me to it. – Jack S.
14. Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn’t have given you worse advice. – Abigail V.
15. Oh, wow. You look tired. – Lynn N.

Thanks for all who submitted. This was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. I’ll have to come up with another fun list, and soon.

Until then, though, feel free to use these, whenever and wherever you want. Just, you know, use them at your own risk. I assume no responsibilities for any fist fights or libel suits that result from their usage, especially number 8. Ouch. I mean, that one really hurts.

More than anything else, have fun with them.

Oh, and Happy Holidays, while I’m thinking about it.

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